Reassurance

I sometimes have to laugh at how things work out. The day after making a post about reluctance and reservations on joining the church and feeling like I may not be ready, two things happened that helped reassure me.

One was a random conversation with a teacher that led to finding out she was also a Catholic convert (rare in my area), and then into talking about our religious backgrounds and her own conversion experience. This isn't exactly a normal topic of conversational topic for teacher in my secular, public, college, so it was surprising but was also just what I needed to hear at the time. The really striking part is that she described some of the same reservations I have been having, without me even mentioning them, and went on to say how confession and the sacraments were the very things that helped her to overcome them.

Then, in case I didn't get the message, the same things came up again during RCIA that night. Apparently, most of my worries are pretty common and my priest is used to helping people work through them. Just being back at RCIA (I had missed 2 weeks due to family/work conflicts) and hearing people talk and share helped me a lot. We have a mix of new coverts, long-time Catholics, and reverts, and the honesty about our own faults and fears, combined with welcoming and encouragement also did a lot to remind me that we all come from different pasts and are at different places, but all are still welcomed.

Long story short, I feel a lot better about things now.

I also had a long discussion with my husband over the previous weekend and into this week that has put my more at ease with the effect my conversion may have on my marriage and family.

Cold Feet?

It's been a while since I posted, but I wanted to say that I'm still here.

I've been wrestling with a few things over the past couple months and spending a lot of time reading, studying, and praying. During this time, I thought it was best to take a break from blogging so that I could just listen and not worry about what to post or how it might be viewed.

Without getting too much into detail, there are some things in my personal life that are going to make converting challenging and might cause issues with my husband if they are not approached the right way. I knew this from the start, but he has been more open in the past few months about why he rejected Christianity and how he was hurt by "church people" in the past. It feels like he might be opening up a little more, but I need to be careful so he doesn't feel like I'm rejecting him in favor f the church.

I also want to make sure I'm not rushing into things. At first, it seemed like a year of waiting, RCIA, etc., etc was going to take forever.  Now, I'm wondering if it might not be prudent to wait another year before being confirmed. This might just be a case of "cold feet", but I have been a little flaky in the past and want to be sure I am not going to change my mind in the future. I guess I have seen to many quick conversions in the Protestant world where people join a church, are uber-zealous for a few months or even years, and then disappear or move on to another church or denomination. I don't want to do that. It was a big deal to me to leave my former Baptist church, in part because of the membership vows we made.

This seems much more important and binding somehow, so I want to be sure I am able to follow through  and do plan on being Catholic for the rest of my life and raising my son in the faith. Maybe I'm just over-thinking things. I do believe that this is the Church Christ founded and where the fullness of truth is found, and I am in agreement with the church, so there's no real reason for me to hesitate other than wanting to know that I am sure.

Of course, part of that is because of certain recurring sins in my life as well. I'm not talking about something that would be acceptable in most Protestant churches either, but there are things I am frequently tempted to return to, including at least one serious sin. Part of me is scared that I might gave into it after converting and I almost feel like I need to know it's conquered beforehand, even though the more rational part of my mind says that the means of grace that come through the Church would probably be the best thing to help me keep resisting temptation.

I'm guessing I'm not the only one to have these same thoughts, and I am going to talk with my priest about it and see what he thinks, but I am wondering if anyone else out there went through a similar thing and how they got over it.

RCIA & other stuff

I just wanted to check in since it's been a while since I posted.

I'm still going to RCIA and Mass at St. Charles and really liking it there. Much of what we have covered in RCIA so far is stuff I'd already learned through reading and studying before deciding to covert, but I have learned some new things in Father Ken is great at explaining things. Listening to him and hearing other people's questions and his response, has also made certain things more clear. It's good to be able to ask questions and to hear others ask things I'd never thought of and to have a chance to meet and get to know people.

When I first heard about RCIA, I was like "seriously, all that to join a church?", but I have begun to appreciate it it much more and I do think it's making me take my faith more seriously and like I can make a fuller commitment because I will know more about the Church and her beliefs.

It's also been cool meeting and talking to some of the other people. Right now, the only ones in the class who aren't Catholic and weren't raised in Catholic families are me and one other guy who has been coming with his girlfriend, both in their 20s, I think. I figured they were both from similar backgrounds, but she seemed to know a lot about the church and to be very traditional-minded and reverent. It turns out she was raised Catholic and he was raised very similar to me, within the same small group of fundamentalist Baptists.

We spent a while talking about everything from why we left fundamentalism to some of the changes in the church after Vatican II (she asked a question about the SSPX and Bishop Lefebvre last week), and we got to talking about where the nearby Latin masses were (nearby being a relative term, being 1-2 hours away). She asked if a certain one was celebrated with the priest ad orientem because "that's how it should be, with the priest focused on the altar and Christ, not on us" and inwardly I was like "wow, I found someone who gets it". I'm glad to see other young people who are young and traditionalist, yet also faithful to the Church and the Magisterium, because one gets the impression online that many traditionalists are either sedvacantist or leaning that way

I'm attending Mass at St. Charles on most Sundays and usually at St. Francis on Saturdays, because they have Eucharistic Adoration in the hour before Mass begins. Once school starts, I will try to arrange my schedule so I can go to weekday mass near the college, but it's not been an option with my son home because I haven't taught him to be still and quiet well enough to make it through Mass without being a huge distraction yet. I'm still in awe of the Mass. I don't know how to put it into words really, but it is so different than any other type of church service I've ever been in. There's just something about kneeling in prayer, looking up into the face of Jesus on the cross above the altar, and knowing that He is present there with us that is amazing.

Feeling at Home In My New Home Parish

I went to Mass at St. Charles today. It's a little bit further away than St. Francis, but it took me a little less time to drive. It's also the parish I should be in based on my address, as I recently found out.

I wasn't really sure what to expect. The church has a reputation for being very involved in social justice and with our local immigrant community, but I didn't know much about their worship style. I was very pleasantly surprised.

They have a wonderful choir and the propers and antiphons were sung, with most of the ordinary in Latin. They also had plenty of altar severs and used the incense, bells, etc that I associate more the Tridentine Mass. It was great seeing the respect given to the Word of God during the gospel reading, which was read (chanted!) from the middle of the aisle, Anglican-style, the congregation turning to face and follow the Bible.

I also really like the way the church itself is set up. In addition the the crucifix and statues at the front, they have several icons on the walls on both sides behind the altar, very similar to the icon corners I have seen in Orthodox and Byzantine Catholic homes. They also have images of the stations of the cross around the church. From where I was seated, I could see a large painting of St. Monica, which was very reassuring to me because she is one of the saints I feel like I have a special connection with.

The people were also very nice and very welcoming. I tend to be a bit on the shy side but I still had several people introduce themselves to me and a few start conversations. I asked one lady where the nursery was, so I could bring my son with me until he's old enough to sit still and be quiet through the whole Mass, and we started talking a little. When I told her I was going to be starting RCIA soon, she asked more about my background and offered to be my sponsor. It seems like we have some things in common.

I will be starting RCIA tomorrow night. Instead of starting at a certain time each year, they are pretty open and just invite you to drop by. I have done a lot of reading and study on Catholicism and have worked through the Baltimore Catechism, so at least I won't be jumping in totally ignorant.

Praying the Rosary with a 3-Year-Old

I usually let my son stay up late at night with me, so he sleeping in late in the mornings. This leaves me the first few hours of the day to pray, write, and things like that while he is still asleep. 

He woke up early this morning and knocked on the door before I even got up, so I let him join me for my morning prayers, which is praying the Morning Offering, Angelus, and a decade of the Rosary.

I gave him a plastic rosary that had came with other things I ordered a while back, and showed him how to pray and use the beads to count. He didn't quite get that yet, but he did try for close to a decade and it didn't take him very long to join in and repeat "Hail Mary" with me, not the whole prayer yet, but the first couple words are a start.

He did much better than I had expected. It was cute watching him kneel beside me at the bed, without being taught. He doesn't know much of the prayers yet, but he did repeat a little bit. 

After a bit, he got a little restless, and spent his time flipping around and rolling or the bed making aces at me while I tried to concentrate on the other Mysteries. This annoyed me a little at first, but then I found the humor in it and imagined Our Blessed Mother watching her Son Jesus grow up and how she must have laughed and took joy in his antics as a child as well.

I took a moment to just laugh a little and take joy in my son and in the time together, and to think of the benefits that he will gain from prayer, even while he is too young to participate fully. After that, I was able to relax and focus more as I finished praying, and having him there seemed more of a gift than a distraction.

I think I might start praying with him more, since he seems eager to learn, starting with a decade at a time and then adding more as he seems ready.

First Mass at St. Francis

Last night was the first Mass I attended at St. Francis, and the first English Mass I'd been to since I was very young. I went to the Saturday vigil because we had a family event early on Sunday and would be traveling in the morning. I enjoyed it, although I did notice some of the changes and I found myself mentally translating parts of the liturgy back into Latin in my head, because it was more familiar.

I had gone to the Tridentine Mass over an hour away as much as I could, but the cost of gas and time from home was too much and was really bothering my husband, so I am looking for a "home" parish nearby. I was hesitant to do this at first because I have more traditionalist leanings, but I am not totally comfortable in traditionalist circles either because I see some people edging closer and closer to sedevacantism.

Some of my more ardent SSPX friends had me a little nervous about it, because some of them absolutely refuse to attended the Novus Ordo Mass and I had gotten warnings that I shouldn't either. Ultimately though, I decided that if the Church and the Holy Father approve of a Mass, then I should not criticize it (so long as it follows the ordinary form and doesn't make illicit changes) or consider one form "better" than another. After all, if I wanted to second-guess the Pope or do church my way, then I could have remained Protestant.

Still, I was not sure what an ordinary from mass would be like, but I know from my attendance at Adoration and from what I could found out online that the people in this parish are reverent and respect God, the Church, and the Sacraments. That turned out to be true. Although I still have a personal preference for TLM and for the traditional Mass music, instead of the newer hymns, this Mass was still beautiful. It still had that worshipful feel, like the people in the congregation knew that Christ was present there and respected His presence, and  the sacrifice and presence of Christ is what really matters the most -  not the music, language or aesthetics.

The priest's homily was about the value of tradition and the need to follow the teaching and counsels of the Church, even submitting our wills and consciences to Her decrees in areas where we may be divided or have conflicting opinions. I thought that was sort of ironic, considering the misgivings I had at first about departing from Tradition.

Adoration, en Espanol

Friday night was interesting, to say the least.

I had never been to Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament before but I kept coming across things on blogs, books, Pinterest, and everywhere encouraging people to go.

Being that the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist was the thing that finally got me to convert, it seemed important to me to attend and really reflect on that.

Also, if you haven't noticed yet, Jesus is present right there in the church or chapel with you and that is so unbelievable awesome. Why on earth wouldn't you want to spend and hour or more with him?

Maybe this is one of those things where converts get super excited while cradle Catholics are like "yeah, I've known that since I was a child" but seriously, guys, it is amazing to realize that Jesus is there with you and you can just go and sit and pray or worship or just hang out and be in awe.


So, back to the story...

Checking out times and days for RCIA classes at the two churches nearest me, I noticed that one has Adoration for most of the day on the First Friday of each month. I had errands to run in that down on that day already, so I decided to spend an hour there at Adoration.

When showed up and another family was walking in at the same time. They looked at me a little bit puzzled, but I chalked it up to being a newcomer and possibly because I was wearing a headscarf (that could be another post, but I wear a scarf or mantilla whenever I'm in a church or praying; I started doing so years ago, when I was still a Baptist), and the lady closest to my age smiled so I figured all was good.

I was surprised to see how many people were there, but I thought that was great, because the impression I had gotten from others was that there were usually very few adorers present. It was silent when I arrived but, after a few minutes, the priest started leading us in prayer. As he prayed, in Spanish, it dawned on me that most of the people around me were Latino. The devotions and hymns that followed were all in Spanish as well.

It threw me off for a little bit, but I quickly realized the language didn't even matter. I understood some from the Spanish classes I took in school but, even when I didn't understand the words, I could recognize the reverence in them. I could also feel the peace and the presence of Jesus there and I would have stayed regardless of than language, because He transcends languages and words and He was there with us. I ended up staying for over an hour because of the presence there - I can't put it in to words but it was the best and most important thing I could have been doing and I did not want to leave.

I am looking back on the language barrier now and laughing a little bit, but I think I have a little better appreciation now for those who went to church when Mass was only said in Latin while they didn't understand it. The irony is I know most of the Latin prayers and songs, but I wasn't prepared for Spanish, which may be the more common language of the church at least in my part of the South.

It also reminded me of how easy it is to assume that the church is Anglo-centric. I've always taken for granted that the main language of any local church I went to would be English and that most people around me would look like me and come from a similar background, even though that's not true for the world or the church as a whole. It was good for me to be reminded of that and to realize more that I am entering into a truly worldwide church and faith and, again, that is is not about me and my particular culture or preference, but all about Christ and what He has done for the whole world.

Before the Beginning, or a Few Nudges Toward the Right Path

I started this blog and then haven't posted because I've been trying to figure out if I should go  the testimony and conversion story route or just jump in blogging. I was going to start with my backstory, but it seemed like a lot to write and I am very much still a work in progress, so I think I'll leave that for later and maybe just tell smaller parts of my journey along the way. Some of it can be found on the "My Story So Far" tab of this blog.

One of the things that's become clear to me in hindsight is all of the small things in my past that were slowly introducing me to Catholicism and drawing me towards the Catholic church. Many of these didn't have a meaning at the time, but I can look back now and see those small little nudges toward the truth and bits and pieces that I would later draw on.

One of the early things was an in interest in many of the miracles and saints recognized by the Catholic Church. Part of this was due to shows like Unsolved Mysteries and documentaries on things like the Shroud of Turin and the staircase of Loretto. It seemed odd to me that the Catholics had all the miracles, yet the prevailing attitude among many of the Protestants I knew, including my own family was that Catholicism was not even "real" Christianity. Even stranger were the people I know who criticized the Catholic Church yet pointed to miracles witnessed by Catholics and declared by the Church as evidence for the faith.

Other small nudges along the way that I missed at the time but recognize now were going to a daycare where the only children who said grace before eating were the handful who attended the local Catholic school and, later, going out for a snack after a church youth group meeting and noticing a girl in our group who was raised Catholic was the only one who stopped to pray. Thinking about this now reminds me that I need to remember to say grace, even in front of others, and teach my son to do the same.

At work, a coworker told me once that all Catholic churches in the world had the same service and that stuck in my mind, but I didn't understand what he meant at the time. Several years later, after sitting through too many random topical sermons with little or no reference back to scripture, I remembered and it was another thing that appealed to me about Catholicism.

This is a bit embarrassing to say, but I can also give some credit to cheesy horror movies and mob movies. If nothing else, I heard the Hail Mary enough times that I ended up learning it before I ever considered converting. I don't know when or how but it was ingrained in my mind enough that when I started praying the "Ecumenial" rosary that uses the Jesus prayer instead, I found myself frequently switching over to the Hail Mary. This led me to just give in and start praying the real rosary, even while I was still a Protestant, and I give most of the credit for my conversion to Our Lady and Her Most Holy Rosary.

Nothing here yet..

I thought I'd at least leave a note for those who may see comments on their pages from me.

This is a new blog so I will be adding posts later, and probably moving a few over from my private blog.

I have a very active toddler and am getting ready for spring planting season, so I am unsure of how long it will take to get into blogging again.

I am still very early on in my (possible? probable?) conversion process and still in the precatechumenate, so feel free to suggest blogs, books, etc and to correct or advise me if I come across as totally confused or ignorant about something in future posts, because I probably am.